Thirteenth Chemo Round: First of Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide

The winter storm brought the gift of a week off from chemotherapy and I am now on alternating Friday infusions.  Last Friday was the first A/C round and as I write this post four days later, I am at its mercy.  

The infusions are now shorter, but more powerful, on the attack of fast forming cells (the lining inside the stomach and mouth, cancer) and the side effects more pronounced and disruptive.  I no longer need to lug my cooler around for the hand and foot icings required by Taxol (to keep from experiencing neuropathy) so that's nice.  Now it's a mouth ice-bath while the 10-minute push of Cyclophosphamide is directly administered by the nurse into the port.  I'm glad they have the good ice: small, soft yet satisfyingly crunchable.  

Today is Valentine's Day.  I'm overjoyed to be spending it with my Mom, who always went out for her children and her students on this day.  I was able to rise before she and surprise her with a nice breakfast for the two of us.  We're enjoying listening to soft music and writing, drawing and chit-chatting about ancestors, past times, future excitements. 

At the close of the day yesterday I could tell I would not be well enough to teach, workout or get out in the world today.  Having had a fairly restful day of working with clay for a few hours, I went home exhausted and was in bed by 7:30pm, taking the nightly round of new-to-me-in-this-phase-medicine for nausea.  Waking at 5am I was able to sit in meditation for an hour and return to light slumber afterwards, listening for the hoot of the owl I heard in the very early morning hours the night before.  

The leg cramps I'm experiencing are likely because of the loss of white blood cells, and this stiffness I'm feeling is new.  I was able to walk well yesterday, and hoping a good long soak helps ease these quadriceps and all the lower leg muscles which currently feel on the verge of cramping.  The nausea has subsided, gratefully, but I still feel weird: not quite myself.

The severe ice storm two weeks ago here in Austin, the tragic earthquakes in Turkey, along with the slew of other national tragedies have me feeling what I am going through is small potatoes.  Losing power and cell service, even for a few hours, let alone days, one is reminded how dependent we are on creature comforts and the status quo and how fragile we are, no matter how resilient.  Some Austinites are still in the dark.   And peering into the horror of what the people of Turkey are dealing with is so intensely devastating and sad...it's hard not to feel guilty for the things that are going well and right in one's world and self-indulgent in writing about what isn't.  I am so sorry for the troubles upon us all. 

Despite these despairing realities, I know it is important to remain optimistic and hopeful, not just for our life situations, but for that of others.  I'm doubling down on my loving kindness meditations and just wishing for you, as you read these words, that you feel peace, harmony, love and joy in the deepest recesses of your heart, the furthest reaches of your mind and in every cell of your body.    I wish you a very happy Valentine's Day: not one focused on romantic love as much as universal, unconditional, deep, compassion, care and love for yourself and all others.